I am a person of mistakes and mistakenly I don’t learn from my mistakes. What a mistaken statement I need a psychiatrist is what I keep on telling myself when I analyze the facts of the life versus my standing. Too low for a standing in life. When I look for the consequential theory of why my life is moving low.
This is the story from one of my group blogs Fanatic Psyche ...........it seems it was dead there thought of getting it back to life.
Like a person who digs up a grave to make a zombie, I have dug in my own grave and made a zombie out of me. Everyone digs in the past life the dark side. Association with the pain is the passion, and with that passion I am surviving. I have ghastly relationship this term named “Love”.
I always cursed myself for being a complete looser with Love. I was once termed as a play boy. Someone who cannot live without women a complete womanizer. Some of my best friends are girls. For a fact I am happy I don’t swing the other way. I am still attracted to women. There is something in them, it’s like you are working in a honey farm and likes to be stung. The feeling of working in a fire works factory and bursting a cracker with the same excitement.
I like it that way. So here is my Story. I have had over 3 relations in the last 2 years. All of them left me. Why? May be because I am not too good for them, may be because I am not worth it, may be because I pampered them too much or may be because I am a little too possessive. Now again the definition of possessiveness is something which is different for me. For me tightening the leash when required is important. For me telling your partner that I exist is important. For me telling the person you are the only is important. Is this asking for too much? I am sure you must be thinking, “The perfect guy to live with!” may be they had different plans.
Anyways so here I am, having a lovely affair with my love. I am holding her in my arms and looking at the hot day end to a beautiful starry night. The beautiful moon, the cold wind and the very feeling of being close to the loved one. I am enjoying it. 6 months and still going. Every day is like a new beginning, every kiss is like the first kiss, every sigh is like the feeling of being complete. It’s just too good. I am sipping on the wine and thinking whether to ask her to marry me as she is just the right one for me. So I plan it.
I ask her to meet me at the Mirage the next day at around 7pm. I call the hotel and book a presidential suite. I crunch every expense to buy her a ring which enhances her beauty. I get her favorite must burnt on a CD and make arrangements for the best wine available. I get champagne ready and flowers. Off course no date is complete without flowers. It is the second most beautiful thing on earth. The first one is my love off course.
I still remember the 1st time I meet her. We had met through the most imprudent way of communication “Internet”. It was a week of the verbiage exchange and we decided to catch up at Barista. I was worried and was anticipating the fact will she like me? Will she be comfortable with me? Will she like the way I look at her? And countless questions like these. The very fact of disliking forced me in writing a story on my cell phone. Then she opened the door and like the wild storm entered my life. She was smile, she was sunshine, she was star, she was moon, she was the river, she was the lovely breeze, she was the passionate touch. She was the storm full of life which had sparked my life.
She walks in and is excited as though she knows what’s on my mind and gives me the longest hug on earth. I can still feel her heart beating next to mine. She kisses me and I make her sit. She’s holding my hand and says, “So honey you finally realize what I have been waiting for. It’s like a dream come true. Oh god! This has been the best day in my life.” Suddenly I realize things can certainly change and yes there is love for sure.
I smile with a twinkle in my eye and say, “baby I’ve got a gift for you.” She says, “me too!” it was a moment when I felt she could read my mind and it was not only me but she had plans for us. For a moment the “I” and “you” factor dissolved and I could see “we”. I reach my pocket and she reaches her handbag. She takes out an envelope and says I’ve got it honey, I finally got promoted to the level I have always strived for and I shall be moving to Bangalore office very soon. I put the ring back in my pocket and though I had tears in my eyes I smiled and showered my happiness. After all seeing your love happy and taking part in her happiness is the most important part of any relation. So there she goes. She spends most of her left over time with me and I still haven’t asked her to marry me.
So here we are at the airport and I see her happier than ever. Somehow I couldn’t stop myself, though no fancy arrangement and no music and no silence I popped in the question, “Darling, we’ve spent almost 7 months of awesome time and I am somehow getting used to you. I love the way I feel when we’re together. I love your eyes, people say they are small but for me they are full of passion the spark which enhances me every time I look at you, I love your fingers long pointing, I love when you speak with the modulated voice. You know honey above all it’s just about you being around, and that’s what matters the most. We’re so free. Hence I would like to ask you, will you be there to free me for the rest of our lives?” she walks away.
I am hurt and devastated. I should’ve seen it coming I mean it was too early. How could I ignore it? The phone rings it’s her. She apologizes and says, “Darling I am here in Bangalore and I would be back in a year if you can wait.” I found my life back. The assurance was the only thing I needed. I think it was just assurance which had helped me survive. I used to call her everyday. In fact we used to speak for at least three times in a day.
Three times in a day reduced to two times in a week, then to once in a week and then to once in fifteen days. I waited for her to come back and then the time approaches. Just a month left for her to come back. I call her and she ignores my phone calls, then I call again and no one answers. I call her in the night and her phone is busy and that kept on happening……………
My dreams shattered, my hopes crushed and my visions faded. That’s what I felt. A pain so deep that I could not see it coming. A pain so deep that…....